Sex plays a powerful role in our relationships. It can be playful, vulnerable, confusing, comforting, or even a little disappointing. But when we take a step back and really look at what kind of sex is happening in our relationships, we might begin to understand more about our emotional connection with our partner. Drawing from Dr. Sue Johnson’s work (Hold Me Tight), let’s break down the three kinds of sex and why they matter—especially in long-term relationships.
Sealed-Off Sex
This is sex that's all about the experience—not the connection. It's physical, often intense, and focused on the orgasm. There's nothing wrong with enjoying excitement or novelty, but when this becomes the norm in a committed relationship, it might signal something deeper—like difficulty with emotional intimacy. We're wired to connect, and regular physical contact can awaken the need for closeness. When that's missing, partners often feel isolated, even if the sex seems "technically"
satisfying.
And here's the thing: sex releases oxytocin (aka the "cuddle hormone"), which biologically pushes us toward bonding. That's why even casual sex can get emotionally messy—and why sealed-off sex in long-term relationships often leaves something essential out.
Solace Sex
This kind of sex is rooted in the need for comfort,reassurance, or emotional connection—but it can come with anxiety. One partner might seek out sex not for mutual pleasure but to feel approved of, loved, or accepted. The other partner may sense that pressure and feel disconnected or even obligated.
This dynamic is exhausting. What starts as a search forcloseness can lead to arguments, resentment, and misinterpretation ("You're not in the mood" becomes "You don't love me"). While physical reassurance is a healthy and needed part of intimacy, when it's driven by fear or insecurity, it can drain the erotic energy from the relationship.
If this resonates, it's time for honest conversation. Does your relationship feel emotionally safe? Do you feel heard and accepted in your vulnerability? If not, a little therapy can go a long way in creating the kind of openness where real connection—and true intimacy—can thrive.
Synchrony Sex
This is the good stuff. Synchrony sex happens when emotional safety and physical passion come together. You're in tune. You're vulnerable yet confident. You notice each other's needs, rhythms, and reactions. You communicate without fear. This kind of intimacy is built on trust, emotional
closeness, and a sense of mutual exploration. It's not about having the "wildest" sex—it's about having the most connected, fulfilling kind.
Need help building that kind of synchrony with your partner? You're not alone. If you're ready to feel more seen, heard and connected, call Refuge Counseling of Arkansas at (870)293-2054 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We love working with couples who want to grow closer emotionally and physically. Let's help you build the kind of relationship where love—and great sex—can flourish!