When we are young, the world is bright, people are kind, and we wake up excited. We trust
the people in our lives who love us, our teachers at school, our family, and our friends because why wouldn’t we?
Then we grow up, and trusting people becomes something we have to think twice about. We’ve
been burned, lied to, manipulated, and used. We experience upsetting and confusing events that teach us that not everyone is trustworthy. This is especially traumatic when it involves those we should have been able to depend on the most.
Understanding the Connection Between Trauma and Trust
When we experience trauma, our brain can develop protective mechanisms to help us cope, but these same defenses can impact how we relate to others, especially in close relationships. Past trauma often shapes how we interpret safety and trust, making it difficult to feel secure. A simple comment, gesture, or scenario may unexpectedly trigger old wounds, leading to reactions prioritizing self-protection over connection. Realizing that these reactions stem from past experiences can be a helpful first step in breaking unhelpful patterns.
Recognizing Trauma-Related Trust Issues
Trust issues can stem from various types of trauma, including past emotional abuse from a traumatic relationship, abandonment, betrayal, or experiences of neglect. Trauma-related trust issues often surface in subtle but impactful ways, making it difficult to feel safe and open in close relationships.
Here are some common signs that past trauma may be affecting your ability to trust in
your relationship:
- Hyper-vigilance: Constantly scanning for signs that your partner might hurt or betray you, even when there is no immediate reason for concern.
- Difficulty with Vulnerability: Struggling to open up emotionally or share your feelings, fearing that vulnerability may lead to hurt or rejection.
- Overreacting to Small Issues: Becoming disproportionately upset or defensive about minor disagreements, interpreting them as larger threats to the relationship.
- Need for Control: A desire to control situations or your partner’s actions to feel secure, often to prevent feeling vulnerable.
- Self-Isolation: Avoiding intimacy or keeping emotional distance as a self-protective mechanism. My pain is going to be too much to handle and will push them away. I am safer alone and so is my partner.
- Persistent Doubts: Feeling that your partner’s intentions aren’t genuine or fearing hidden motives, even when proven trustworthy.
How to Overcome Trust Challenges Together
Overcoming trust challenges as a couple requires self-awareness, open communication, healthy boundaries, and multiple repetitions of safe and secure engagement to replace the messages that say vulnerability is unsafe.
Here are some practical steps to help:
- Recognize and Explore Emotional Triggers: Take time to understand your own triggers and how they affect your reactions in the relationship. Get curious about how your reactions impact your partner, as well. It is a team approach.
- Share Insights Without Blame: Communicate openly with your partner about how certain situations or behaviors make you feel, focusing on your experience rather than placing blame. Track the cycle that keeps you feeling disconnected. (I notice that when I see you do _____, I respond with _____. The more I do this, I see you respond with ______. This is our cycle that keeps us stuck.)
- Establish Small, Achievable Boundaries: Set boundaries that allow both partners to feel safe, fostering trust at a comfortable pace. Explore together what communicates safety and comfort.
- Practice Regular Check-ins: Dedicate time to discuss progress, goals, and any adjustments needed in the relationship. Collaboratively talk about what is working and what gets in the way of feeling secure.
- Acknowledge Each Other’s Efforts: Show appreciation for the steps your partner takes to build trust, reinforcing positive actions and intentions. As you see your partner showing up emotionally, let them see the impact that this has on your heart and your ability to trust.
Seeking Professional Support
For many, professional support is needed to navigate trauma’s impact on their relationships. Trauma-informed therapies like Emotionally Focused Individual and Couple Therapies can help process difficult emotions and build healthier relationship patterns. Our therapists are ready and able to guide you through this healing journey, offering tools to help you cultivate trust in a safe, structured environment.
At Refuge Counseling of Arkansas, we know how much courage it takes to seek help. We work hard to contact potential clients within 24 business hours and make the enrollment process as simple as possible so we can cater our services to best suit your needs.
Browse our counseling options online and call us at (870)293-2054 for a free 15-minute phone consultation today to get started on your trauma recovery journey.